Wrestling God.

I wish I could say that wrestling with the decision of "shall I stay or shall I go" with our church started after we moved, but I'd be lying. The thoughts have been rolling around in my heart and brain and keeping me awake late night for nearly a year now or at least since the first time the elders announced that our church was at risk of closing it's doors. Nearly every leaders meeting after was about how to "save the church".  This wrestling match has gotten more intense since we've moved, but really, it feels like the worlds longest WWE Monday Night RAW Smack Down World Championship Belt match.
 I have not felt full peace about staying. I'm sure a lot of it has had to do with feeling burnt out as the women's ministry "leader". Maybe it was feeling like our church was lacking stability. Was the offering enough? Would we be open next month? I started feeling like we were all just sitting around waiting for someone to say "okay we're done". That sort of inconsistency was draining.  Or that we are now living an hour away and getting up and everyone fed dressed and out the door so early has proven itself far more difficult than we'd anticipated. I didn't want to leave just because I'm not a morning person. 
While I didn't feel great about staying, I felt totally worse about leaving. I knew God had me there in my "role" for a reason, and I wanted very much to obey Him. Not only that but these people are our family. We have been part of this family for 6 years now. We have been through so much, for better and for worse. Births, Death, Marriages, Divorces, Healing physically and spiritually....I truly feel like we've seen it all within our little community. I couldn't bear to leave that. Mainly for fear that we'd lose touch and probably see very little if any of our friends again. Life happens after all. I wasn't willing to let go. So I didn't. 
We remained white-knuckled tight to our church. Transitioning from a 15 minute commute to an hour commute every Sunday morning, and it sucked, but we persevered. There were some weekends this summer however that we didn't make it. It's summer time after all. We signed up for VBS (because what is summertime without a little church hopping and getting rid of your kids for a few hours every day for a whole week!). Naturally that included a visit to the church, you know, to make sure they weren't going to teach our kids to bite the heads off chickens while dancing in the isles with snakes or anything else weird. We also had "vacation-y" weekends and even a weekend where we chose to stay home and install a split-rail fence... by our selves...on what had to have been the hottest weekend of the year (that was a fun ride that left bruises all over my legs, sunburns everywhere else and sore muscles in places I forgot existed, but that's a whole different story).
We were, however, not committed to leaving.  I continued my restless nights of debating in my heart what God was leading us to do. We felt pulled toward our new community. God has been good to us with providing, not only a wonderful amazing neighborhood and school, but also friendly Christian neighbors, right next door, with kids our kids ages who seemed to connect at first meeting and spent the whole summer trading houses, running through sprinklers and dancing in the isles (in a good way) at VBS getting so excited about the Good News of Jesus, and having sleepovers. What a blessing! 
There was still a nagging tug at my heartstrings to stay connected to our church. We'd promised everyone we weren't going anywhere just because we moved. There are two other families in our church from our (new) area. If they could commute, we could. I was committed to ministry duties. Oh God  help me figure out what to do here! 

This last Sunday, while we were "staycationing" with Adam's parents, and missing church, they announced that at the end of September, Beacon Hill Church was closing it's doors. Forever. 
I didn't know until Wednesday when I received an e-mail from our pastor about it. I was a bit shocked, but at the same time, I knew it was coming. It was a matter of time, but I knew it was going to happen. My heart filled with emotions. 
Relief. I was relieved because now I don't have to wrestle with this decision about staying or going. God literally closed those doors for us. Relieved that I didn't have to try to decide what to do with the women's ministry this fall. I truly got burned out. I had nothing left to offer these women. There was Peace too. 
Sad. Sad that the answer for us was to shut the doors. I didn't pray for that, though we probably wouldn't have left otherwise. The burden of guilt over leaving was too heavy, we'd rather stay. 
Disappointed. I feel like God shut our doors, not because we didn't have money, or attendance...but simply because we were disobedient. We are called to be active in our communities. What kind of footprint did we leave? I honestly don't believe the community around our church will even notice we're gone. The church we were renting space from will notice. The members of Beacon Hill...obviously. But the surrounding community?? Probably not. We simply were not active. Tim did an amazing job discipling us, but when it came time to send us out, we simply disobeyed. The church became a "safe place" that we went to to see our friends and fellowship together. There was no outreach. There was no serving our community. Not as a church anyway. Just huddling up in our cozy little comfort zones and simply not listening to God calling us out. So...what should we expect to happen? How disappointed I am in myself for not listening to what God had been screaming in my heart. "GO! Be in your community! Do MY work! Connect with these people!" 
Looking back I see how much time I wasted wrestling in the night, praying over and over and over, and feeling so frustrated with our church and ready to just "be done" and "move on". I was so restless in my fight to stay idle. How stupid of me, and how frustrating for God.
I clearly see it now. God wants us here. In our own backyard. We have a challenge ahead of us in looking for a new church to call home. I have a good start though with the two churches we visited over the summer (no snakes or headless chickens!). I feel like we can visit them again without feeling like we are being disloyal to our Beacon Hill family. We can go with a different perspective, a different set of eyes. Open hearts.
I am excited about this next step. I can't wait to see where we are planted. Adam has a heart for youth ministry. I have a heart for women's ministry. Maybe it's something completely different! Or maybe God just wants us to be bench warmers, to get our hearts right, to get a clearer picture of what He has in mind for us and getting connected with HIM.  Either way, I am tapping out and ready to (really) listen and obey.